Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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