In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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