i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize