just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
