Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
