At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize