Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
