I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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