A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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