He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize