when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
