I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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