guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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