One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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