hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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