A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Oh god it's open bar.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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