i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
