My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i've created a new STD.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I deserve this hangover.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
