Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
