You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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