I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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