Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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