The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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