Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
