if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
