I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
