i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
