why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
