i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
pop tarts are not kleenex
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
