well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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