I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize