i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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