Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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