woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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