I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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