An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
