i already hear my dad disowning me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
