he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
