I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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