I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
