i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
