3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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