singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
