guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
