I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
