So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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