Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
