giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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