It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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