My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
