He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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