Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
