why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
