This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
