I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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