I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
