Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
