Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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