Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
