Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
