I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
