quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
this is an emotional support booty call
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
