yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
