The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
